Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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