I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
