bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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