The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
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Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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