Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
