Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So many bounce houses so little time
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
