I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
