I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
