fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
