Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
