You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
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We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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