btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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