Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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