I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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