tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
