Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
