dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
