I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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