Banned from zoo.
Again?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
