Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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