I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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