if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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