I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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