I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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