i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
