I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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