I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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