Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
