Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
