I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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