my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
