not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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