I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
