How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...