evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far