I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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