Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She is in my trunk
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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