I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
