do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
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