I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
