the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
