it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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