So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?