remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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