Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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