This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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