swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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