end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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