taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
