the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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