I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
