me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The air was thick with penises
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I didn't notice because vodka
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
