Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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