hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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