So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
