I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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